Monday, March 15, 2010

Why not knowing is so hard

I thought I'd write a follow up post to my one about not knowing what the outcome is going to be and my frustration in that area. I feel a bit misunderstood in some ways about my last post and thought I'd explain why not knowing is difficult.

It's not that I don't trust God (maybe I do need to trust Him more, but don't we all?), and it's not that I'm overly worried about it all (yes I am concerned but it's not consuming me. I'm still playing with my daughter, meeting up with friends, laughing, enjoying life at the moment). I don't feel like I am wasting time thinking about things that are not going to happen. I'm not depressed. What I am doing is trying to prepare for the future, and it's a complicated future. 

I know that not many people have had to go through something like this, and I know that even those who have, their situations are usually different to my own so maybe it's impossible for others to understand. We have the added complication of living in a country that we don't call home and so if a funeral will need to be planned, it will have to involve body repatriation in some way or another. We would be negligent if we knew that there was a likelihood of needing such a service and not looking into it in advance. 

What I would love, but do not have, is some assurance that I will not need to plan a funeral for a child that is alive and kicking inside of me, however I know that I may not get that assurance. I do not have a specific promise from God saying that this child will not die, I will not ever have a 100% guarantee from the doctors. We most probably will, in time, have a "probably" one way or another. I do have a "gut feeling" that this child will live. But I will most likely not get any complete assurance one way or the other.

I do think that I need more patience and maybe these are issues that I should be thinking about in 10 weeks time when I'm 30 weeks pregnant and the doctors will probably have more to say about what's going on. Maybe we should look into funeral plans at least a bit regardless of what happens. I'm sure it's better to be somewhat prepared than to be blindsided and then need to start the preparations from scratch in the days after delivery and loss.

We are fortunate that this is our 2nd child and so we won't need to go out and buy all the baby things and then have to face an empty nursery. Even if there were no complications, we wouldn't be buying much anyway, particularly since we know it's another girl, we won't even need new clothes. So at least we don't have those issues to think about so much. 

I don't think the answer is to just completely stop thinking about the issues that we are facing. To do so would be doing ourselves and our baby a disservice by not preparing ourselves when we have been given the opportunity to prepare (so for those of you who said that I should just not think about these things, I have to respectfully disagree with you on that issue).

I think that from here, our plan is to stick with the current doctor for now, knowing that I am still only 20 weeks pregnant and most probably she's waiting til later in the pregnancy to start making a diagnosis. There are things that I really do like about this doctor. If I am still feeling the same frustrations about her after a couple more appointments, I will seek a second opinion when I'm around 30 weeks pregnant. By then, the issues should be easier for another doctor to diagnose, and that also gives our current doctor time to grow on me a bit more. 

I also think that I will hold off thinking about the possibility of a funeral for a while - and when I'm 30 weeks, we can think about it again, whether we are confident enough to not look into it, or whether it would be better to do a bit more research (hopefully unnecessarily, but it's better to look into it and not need it than to not look into it and wish you had). 

And in the mean time, I will draw comfort from knowing that even though I don't know what will happen, God knows and He has a plan for us. I know that although I can't yet see the end of this tunnel, I know it's only just over 4 months until the little one will be here and we will know more of what the future holds. Until then though, we just need to keep walking and see where this journey takes us...


  1. you know I don't know how painful it is for a parent to feel this way--but I am fully aware of how hard it was not to know what to prepare for in the coming weeks when a child is given a fatal diagnosis. I have sat and listened on a almost daily basis to my sister unsure of what her and her child's future was. Its not easy to say the least. Im sure its even more complicated when you are not "home" There are a lot more variables to think about! Don't feel bad for wanting another opinion. If I was in the same position I think i would want a doctor to just shoot me straight with all the information they had. Perhaps you could explain your situation to the dr and get more answers?

  2. Hi Nicole. I think waiting is the hardest thing to do. I have been and will continue to pray for you, your husband and your two daughters. xoxoxo

  3. I would be lying entirely if I said "I understand". Yet, I do understand your need to plan and be prepared...I'm exactly like that. I think in terms of "if something happened to my sister and her husband, would I be able to take in their daughter?" and "Where will I hold my parents funeral services?" Things that aren't even on the radar as everyone is healthy. If finding a few solutions helps keep your mind focused, I think that's okay. Praying for you guys daily, love you all!!!

  4. Surely you're not depressed, not meaning that as well, just wish encouraging, hope not giving you bad feelings instead.

    So yes, let's wait for the 30 week time coming. See what can we do / assist more. :)

    With lots of love!

  5. I know exactly what you are going through! I also know the difficulty of being in a foreign country and having to deal with the what ifs? I think you are wise to consider all options and outcomes and definently trust that God does have a plan. I am praying for you and your darling girl!! God Bless Michelle