Saturday, March 13, 2010

Not Knowing

Since my appointment yesterday with the doctor, I've been really having a hard time with things. I had certain expectations with the appointment, I thought it would answer some more questions and give us some more information but I walked away with pretty much nothing new at all. It's quite a feeling of hopelessness, not really knowing what's going on. I like to know stuff and can't handle the not knowing. Even when my husband starts a sentence and then takes it back, I make him tell me what he was going to say because I hate knowing that there's something that I don't know but not being able to figure out what it is!!

I've been thinking - should I go to yet another doctor and get another opinion on things? I'd love to have a doctor who was as blunt and upfront with me as possible and I don't feel like I have that right now. I know that they cannot guarantee a correct diagnosis at this stage but I'd like to at least have some idea of what the possibilities are. I'd like to hear an opinion at least, besides "wait and see". I don't even know how to find a doctor who is specialised enough in these areas AND blunt enough to tell me their honest thoughts... 

Or maybe I should just accept not knowing until later in the pregnancy, or when the baby is born? I know that no diagnosis will be 100% anyway and I've read stories about how both lethal and non-lethal diagnoses were wrong, so maybe it's better to not know, because at least that way aren't expecting anything... I really don't know. I know that in all likelihood they should be able to tell me whether they think the baby will live later in the pregnancy, even if they are hesitant to predict that now...

Two things that friends have said have stuck with me. I was talking to my brother yesterday and he said "Well for you, a diagnosis won't change anything anyway because you're planning to continue with the pregnancy anyway" - and I can see that... maybe I should wait until later in the pregnancy before I get frustrated at not being told whether the doctors think my baby will live because really it doesn't affect anything either way... And another friend commented on my blog post yesterday saying something like "regardless of what the doctor says or doesn't say, that doesn't change the health of the baby - and that's the important thing" - and again I can see that. For now the baby is healthy and what will be will be. The doctor's words aren't going to change anything, and they can be wrong anyway - so maybe I should just be happy that for now, the baby is growing and developing, and has nothing immediately life threatening. 

Maybe my "need to know" is doing myself more harm than good. My husband is better at accepting that there is stuff that he doesn't know and he's generally happier to wait to find out (except in the case of birthday presents!). Maybe I should learn from him and trust God that in time, I will find out the answers rather than troubling myself with trying to find them right now.

The hardest thing for me right now isn't the thought of raising a child with a disability. I'm ok with that, particularly in this situation where chances are, the baby's mind will not be affected. I don't want to lose the baby but I'm prepared to go through that if we need to. The hardest thing though is not knowing which of these two extremes it will be. Not knowing whether in 4 months, we'll be bringing home a special little girl who will change our lives more than we could have imagined, or whether we're going to be burying her. I hate not knowing...


  1. I am so sorry you are feeling that way. I understand you completely about wanting someone to be more blunt. If we are givens answers we are able to wrap our heads and hearts around it better. Maybe call your insurance company and ask them to give you the names of some high risk doctors that they cover or enter a list of doctors from the internet and look at their specialties. If it were me I would want to find someone who would give me answers.

  2. Have you listened to this song?

    " I know who holds the future,
    and I know who holds my hand.
    With GOD things don't just happen, everything by Him is planned.
    So as I face tomorrow,
    with its problem large and small.
    I'll trust the God of miracles!
    Give to Him m-y a-l-l."

    My all -> including our "not knowing"...? What do you think? :)

    Love you & the babe, we'll keep praying. ^_^

  3. I love you, Nicole and am praying for you and the baby!