Remembering NICU...

These days, I've been thinking a lot about NICU. About "this time last year". Looking back on it now, I don't know how I managed to hold it together for those four months of backing and forthing, splitting my time between my two girls who were only together once (which was exactly a year and three days ago). Pumping like crazy, even waking up in the middle of the night to pump. Trying to maintain some kind of normalcy for Lana, still having some playdates and trying to see some friends from time to time. Lana started school in that time, one of Bernard's best friends got married, Lana turned 2, all while Maddy was in NICU. It was a crazy time...

For a long time after Maddy left the hospital, I was still so anxious. I would notice particularly when we were heading up to the hospital, the long, windy road at the end, I would be physically tense.When I look at photos of that time, it all comes back. All the frustrations and heartaches... It's not as bad as it used to be, but at times it still knocks the breath out of me.

Looking back on that time still upsets me a bit - I still firmly believe that she could have (and should have) been home so much earlier. I understand where the doctors were coming from, and I appreciate that IF anything went wrong, they could have helped her... but really, it shouldn't have been four months... That last scan that they did, the one that allowed her to come home, could have been done when she was much younger.

I remember reading something about parents who have had children with difficult medical issues and years later they display symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. I can understand how that is possible. I don't think that I have PTSD but I still have so many negative emotions about those four months. And although we had four months in NICU, Maddy was healthy the entire time.

One of my biggest fears of having another child is having to go through NICU all over again. I worry more about that than I do about whether or not he or she would have DD (there's a 25% chance that any future child will have DD). I know that's irrational, but that's where I'm at. I even asked Maddy's doctors "If we had another baby with DD and her symptoms were virtually the same as Maddy's, what would you do differently the 2nd time around?" and he said "Virtually nothing". It doesn't instill a whole lot of confidence if they learned absolutely nothing from Maddy...

Anyway... I know this is quite different from all the uplifting posts I've been writing lately of Maddy cruising and dancing and being adorable - but just wanted to share my thoughts...