I had always known that I would not under any circumstances have an abortion. So in this pregnancy, when we found out that there may be problems, it wasn't even an option for us. I believe that God gives life, and who are we to take a life?
When we found out that there was a possibility that our baby may have Downs Syndrome, it wasn't even a consideration that we would possibly abort the pregnancy. However when I was researching about Downs Syndrome, I found out that something like 90% of women who find out through amniocentesis that their baby has DS chose to terminate. The numbers astounded me, I had no idea that it would be that high! I think that this number is so high because of a couple of reasons. Firstly, many women who would not terminate also decide not to get the amnio in the first place. This probably drives the statistic up a bit. Secondly, from my experience, as well as reading other people's blogs, some doctors often try to pressure people to decide about termination as soon as they find out the bad news, sometimes even offering the procedure the following day. I think that the doctors are probably coming from the point of view that termination is less complicated earlier in the pregnancy. And also, there's a time at which it becomes no longer legal, depending on where you are.
My personal opinion is that if someone does receive bad news in their pregnancy, they should wait at least a week before making any decision about termination. (Well actually, I am personally against termination entirely, but I'm not going to force my opinion on others.) The reason why I suggest waiting is that I know that it takes a while for the news to sink in. I know that when I found out that the problem in this pregnancy was NOT Downs Syndrome but Skeletal Dysplasia, I have to admit that I had negative thoughts and if it hadn't been for my stance against termination, I may have started to consider the idea. I asked God "Why did you let me fall pregnant if you knew that there would be issues?" and I thought "I'd rather NOT be pregnant, then at least I could be trying to conceive and maybe I'd have better luck next time." I'm really quite ashamed to admit that now because in the past three weeks since we got the news, my thinking has changed soooo dramatically that it's not funny.
When we initially got the diagnosis of Skeletal Dysplasia, I was WISHING that our baby had Downs Syndrome. But I'd already had a couple of weeks to get used to the idea of DS. I knew that people with DS generally live on average til their 50's. Babies with DS are often happy and sleepy, and children with DS bring a real joy to their families. Yes, the disease affects their intelligence. Yes they will have special needs, but at least they are generally pretty healthy and live a decent life span. Since DS is one of the most common congenital diseases, there is a lot of support for parents and families affected with DS, options available to them for schooling and even jobs as they get older. Yes it's a different, more difficult life. But I really felt a sense of "We can do this, it's not so bad".
Skeletal Dysplasia on the other hand scared me completely. The 55% mortality rate is the thing that really hit me. I had quite a high chance of not even being able to spend more than a few weeks with my baby, maybe I wouldn't even get to see her alive at all. I felt that I could deal with disabilities, but what I really felt I could not handle was the possibility of losing a child. I can understand the initial feeling that hits someone faced with that possibility. It's the feeling of "What's the point of carrying this baby for the next 4-5 months, going through all the associated pain (both physical and emotional), and then not even being able to bring home a baby at the end of it all?"
With the three doctors that I saw in those couple of days, I was always sure to bring up the subject of termination myself so that I could tell the doctor that we would not consider it before they could even present it as an option. I'm glad that I did that because even though it was presented as an option, I had already decided and was not going to be swayed, even though my emotions were crying out thoughts that I never thought that I would have.
Now that I have had the chance to really research Skeletal Dysplasias, I am all the more sure that I am making the right decision to not terminate - even if it wasn't for my personal beliefs. Firstly, with these kinds of birth deformities, there are two categories - lethal and non lethal. If our baby had the lethal form, then sadly, there is only one outcome in those situations and that is death. Nothing I do would change that outcome, but at least choosing not to abort, I will not have the associated guilt and "what if the doctors were wrong" that would come along with that. And in my limited research, I've found at least five or more lethal diagnoses that produced babies with non-lethal forms. If our baby has a non-lethal form on the other hand, generally speaking, there is no reason why she would not be able to live to a ripe old age, go to university and do just about anything that she wants. I know that there may be other medical issues that come with the disease, but I am sure that I would never regret my decision not to terminate.
I really think that it is one thing to say "I would not abort", but it is another thing entirely to be in the situation where abortion would be an understandable option and to go through that knowing that choosing not to abort is still the right decision for you. And I have walked that road, and I am more sure now than ever that we are making the right choice and giving our daughter every opportunity to live.
